gawd!
03february2007
things seem ok this past month. and so i thought i won’t be bothered again by the same old questions that i keep on asking…
"what have i done to go through this?"
"am i so damn paranoid about things?"
"have i not given the best of my efforts?"
"did i overlooked something?"
"am i too selfish?"
actually, i don’t know how to answer these. although i know that i have a full command of every step i’ll be making and have thought about things a lot of times, i still don’t know how to deal. i was talking to my other half last night. it is so frustrating to know that things that i have planned for us slowly withers away. we really need to make choices just to address such conditions. one thing really bothers me. for now, this is the biggest question in my mind right now.
"do we need to extend our waiting time to around 3 years?"
as of now, i am on my 8th month here. so, it won’t take long, i’ll be home this coming june. i have struggled already for 8 months to be as faithful as ever to my promise. but with the current problem we are facing right now, it seems it is inevitable to extend this long wait to around 3 years. so that means, 2 years will be added to the list just to accommodate a working stint abroad. not for me, but for my significant other. i am just praying that we will be able to survive this if ever there is no turning back. i am so weakened just by the thought of it. but, i am really asking for the guidance. divine intervention?
so desperate, i was thinking of many things last night. i was questioning HIS judgement already. i wanted HIM to explain why.
"freedom and happiness are at hand. why are YOU taking these away again from me?"
sobbing is my last resort. almost all night long… inside out i am crying, asking HIM to give me the reason why. all i wanted is to be happy. i guess, this relationship is really hard-fought.
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